| gradually... For about the past month that school has been out, I have taken up employment at the empire of Wal-Mart (one in Kingsport). I wanted somewhere kinda half way between here and dads so I wasn't tied to one place all the time but needless to say, I have been at dad's mostly. Right now, I feel my life is just putting along. I mean, time is moving, for me, the same as usual of course, but as for my life, it is putting, it is the turtle. Work is cool. I run drinks, water, and snacks which sales like gold, i might add. I work night shift, 10-7, the pay is better. But, I kinda feel like half of the man I used to be. A friend of mine once said, "you can't be Hercules forever, don't try to be, because those super powers will wear off." How true this feels to me. I used to feel like Hercules, I used to feel like I could handle anything, I had these ambitions of what I wanted to acomplish, and I was going to enjoy getting there. I guess the trouble is I am lacking the motivation. It seems that since Summer and I broke up things have gone down hill... now I'm gonna stop right there. No, I'm not hanging on to that, or blaming everything on that situation AT ALL. She has absolutely nothing to do with it, she isn't worthy of that anyway. It really seems to be linked to her dad. See her dad and I were practically best friends. We helped each other grow, really with God. I helped him, he helped me, and he really lifted me up when I needed encouragement. He was a blessing on my life, and I was to his (so he claims). Since everything that happened happened we don't see each other very much anymore. We talk at church and we will call each other every now and then but things aren't the same. He has continued to grow spiritually, and God is really moving in his life but I feel I'm just kinda here, sitting there like a knot on the log, moving along... gradually. These things I want to do, sometimes I feel so inspired, motivated, commited and other times I feel like I can't do it. I point out all the things in life that I think aren't important then I find myself being mainly commited to those things. Why is it so hard to stay motivated, commited to God and furthering his kingdom? I feel like I do not do what I am supposed to. The largest root of this problem came when I messed up the night before the church yard sale. I will explain in a nut shell, a couple of us were talking in the living room, someone asked me what happened to me and summer, I explained, bluntly, and in detail saying some things that I probably shouldn't have and summer overheard everything form the other room. This would have just been a stupid problem between two people if summer wouldn't have brought a friend with her whom claimed to be an athiest. I felt lead to talk to him, but the attention was quickly shifted off of that to summer is pissed and pouting and not talking to me, and I'm sure you can imagine. Maybe I need to lay all that to rest. That issue has yet to be settled. Of course I am still full of anger and bitterness, it comes with the territroy but I guess I have to let all that go. I just don't want to let go of pride I guess. Surely that cannot be the only thing blocking my spiritual growth though. Maybe it is. I will still move out in the next month or two though. Haley is awesome, she is my life partner. It is so great because I love her so much but I'm not IN love with her. That means, its like having all the good things (almost, haha) that go along with a relationship, and none of the bad (i.e. she never makes me feel like shit). Sometimes I get a little worried about moving out, leaving my home, living with a girl, its kinda scary but when I am with her, my doubts go away. I know... its not exactly how it sounds. Whatever, everyone else thinks it, go ahead think it. Haley's boyfriend is really cool. We actually get along really well. I approve, alot. Lets just say he is one of those people, when I pull in haley's driveway and I see is car, my first reaction is hey, cool, and not, oh shit. Unlike one of her friends, the one that got wasted the other night, drove off in her car, and wes and I had to go looking for her. Yeah, stupid idiot. Too much of most things, is a bad thing (alcohal (sp???)). That's just not my cup of tea or cup of beer, haha, whatever. I asked Haley the other night, "so how is it, the other side, is the grass greener?" I was refering to her having Adam and my singleness. She said, "No, it is solid gold." I threw up in my mouth a little bit and laughed. No im just kidding. I thought it was cool to see that. But really, call the writers of dawson's creek, we have a winner! My sleep schedule is so messed up. I leave with my youth group to go to the beach saturday. I'm pretty excited I guess. It will be nice to hang out with jack again. I don't know guys. I just wish I could be the happy, happy go lucky, fun, funny me all the time and acomplish the work that I am feeling led to do. I see great things that could happen, that we could do, but can I do it? Certainly not alone. I want to, I have to overcome my lack of motivation, my doubts, my bitterness, my anger, all of these things. Kinda hard. I can do all things through christ which strengthens me. All things, not some, not most, not half, ALL. The only other thing bothering me, is that some of my friends feel like I am blowing them off. Things just get busy and I don't keep up with half the people I want to. Ohhhh, thats another post though. If you read all that, my ramblings, wow. Bless your soul, just whats running through my head on May 31, 2007 around 4-5 am. I think i needed to say all that more than anyone needs to read it but I guess.. that is the point of the ever dying xanga. what if i stumble, what if i fall, what if i loose my step and i make fools of us all, will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl, what if i stumble and what if i fall. |
